Last week, a post by the website Super Official News claimed that legendary comedian, actor, and all-around "Most Awesome Guy Ever" Bill Murray would embark upon a vacation/party crashing tour of the United States starting in August. Those interested in sharing some karaoke with Steve Zissou himself would merely need to hang a sign outside of their abodes stating, "BILL MURRAY CAN CRASH HERE." Despite the rampant ridiculousness of the entire enterprise (not to mention that, uh, Super Official News is a humor website and the article is attributed to the "Ass Press"), the joke caught hold of some wishful thinkers who sent the hoax nearly viral on social media for a brief period of time [even I became way too excited for about five minutes]. What gave it legs are the true stories and anecdotes about how Murray has, in the past, crashed random parties from New York to Scotland for no apparent reason other than to hang out with the stunned attendees. There's even the urban legend about a man who took a nighttime stroll through Union Park a few years ago felt a pair of hands cover their eyes from behind, only to turn around and see Murray. He whispered, "No one is ever going to believe you" before walking away.
Needless to say, stranger things have happened than a national Bill Murray party-crashing tour. (The Pitbull/Big Hurt Walmart odyssey, anyone?) That got me thinking: who else should hit the road and mingle with the masses?
1.) Baby Goose's Uke Tour 2012: Ryan "Baby Goose" Gosling has some serious musical talent as shown by his band Dead Man's Bones and the ukulele-strumming track from Blue Valentine. He's also morphed into the pseudo-hipster Superman in the last year, from breaking up NYC street fights to saving a young woman from an oncoming taxi. A cross-country uke tour of America's most dingy basements (lit by nothing but natural light and powered by Hey Girl memes) seems right up Ry Ry's alley. Look out, Lower Allston: Baby Goose is coming to break your heart and sleep on your sofa.
2.) The Traveling Outdoor Sci-Fi Fest presented by Neil DeGrasse Tyson: Director of the Hayden Planetarium, spiritual successor to Carl Sagan, and official Reddit Deity Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson is one smart dude who's probably going to figure out the universe within the next decade, leading humanity to rise to the state of 2001-esque star children. Until then, Dr. Tyson continues to play it down for the rest of us by correcting The Daily Show and James Cameron's Titanic on matters of Earth rotation and star location, respectively. Also, the guy is a widespread meme. What could be better than watching The Day The Earth Stood Still (sorry, Keanu, I mean the original) under the stars with NdGT while he points out the inaccuracies in Prometheus?
3.) Home Cooking with Mr. White: Bryan Cranston isn't shy about transforming into his twisted TV alter-ego Walter White in unexpected places. Television's greatest teacher, (move over, Mr. Pryzbylewski), father (later, George Bluth), and cook (you've been chopped, Masaharu Morimoto) has propelled Breaking Bad to the pinnacle of greatness upon which it now rests, but unfortunately he isn't real. Or is he? Only a shaved head, goatee, and life-sucking pale hues separate the master actor Bryan Cranston from meth lord Walter White. He could lead a few classes in restaurants coast-to-coast and demonstrate how to cook a batch of blue (velvet cupcakes), share Los Pollos Hermanos' secret recipe, and lead a competition to see who makes the best breakfast, Walter Jr.'s favorite meal of the day. Maybe even Giancarlo Esposito (aka Gus Fring, Albuquerque's greatest businessman and community builder) could show his face at a few events.
4.) Louis C.K. & His Personal Insult Booth: When he's not raking in money for his self-released special "Live at the Beacon Theater," donating a large portion of that to charity, and creating/writing/directing/starring in his critically acclaimed Louie, "Comedian/Masturbator" Louis C.K. finds time to insult his fans on Twitter with hilarious results. The man's even crazy enough to completely level the playing field in the war between his fans and ticket scalpers by directly sourcing sales for his next standup outing. But why not combine the e-proximity afforded by Twitter with his brilliant live performances? Louis C.K. should just set up a ramshackle booth in each major city's biggest public park and, like Lucy from the Peanuts gang, charge every willing person a nickel for the honor of being subject to the filthiest, most vile insult humanly possible. The man would ascend to heaven on the spot and become a saint.
5.) Ira Glass' Semi-Annual Transnational Poker Extravaganza: Not many people know This American Life's Ira Glass beyond his distinctive borderline lifeless voice, but he's not just a symbol of journalistic integrity and occasional sleep aid. Fewer still know of his intense dedication to poker, going so far as to play in charity tournaments with the likes of Michael Ian Black and John Hodgman. Think this is a recipe for publicly-funded disaster? Despite his prim and proper projection, the man can rage swear like the best of us. Anyone would be eligible to enter with the hope of facing off against the specky host in smoke-filled back rooms all across the nation to win back the money they've donated to NPR over the years. Naturally, the final round would take place from the stage of a grandiose theatre in front of a live audience and broadcast into cinemas from Boston to LA (though to be replayed again on a later date). Can't forget David Sedaris as the thrilling play-by-play announcer with a sleepwalking Mike Birbiglia providing color commentary that inevitably ends with a simple--yet profound--truth about life learned through painful embarrassment and/or adversity.
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