If Hurricane Irene were a woman, she'd be a real handful. We're just going to say it. She's a bitch. The kind of woman who shows up unannounced and uninvited to Poker Night with a couple of her loudest gal pals and an axe to grind. The kind of woman who goes through her boyfriend's email searching for addresses with female handles. (Oh, Irene? That woman you anonymously emailed, suggesting she keep her skanky "lols" to herself? That was my Great Aunt Marjorie.) Irene stomps through life in spike heels ruining everything.
And, like her personified girlfriend-from-hell, Hurricane Irene has effectively shit all over more than a few people's weekend plans already, and the weekend hasn't even officially begun. Mayor Bloomberg has issued a mandatory evacuation for parts of Manhattan and Long Island and, word on the weather circuit is, we might yet be Yelping our reviews of a purported freaking tornado come Sunday. So, thanks Irene. Like you ruined Sunday Night Football and the better part of your boyfriend's twenties, you've now ruined one of the last real weekends of summer for the better part of the Northeast.
Below, we present an abridged list of the shit you will no longer be doing, thanks to Irene:
-You won't be seeing The Temptations & the Four Tops at the South Shore Music Circus this Saturday
-You also won't be seeing them at Cape Cod Melody Tent on Sunday
-You won't get to see STYX at the South Shore Music Circus
-You won't be raging at the Rockstar Energy Drink UPROAR Festival at the Comcast Center on Sunday (though, the fest has been postponed until Tuesday, August 30.)
-You won't be admiring boats at the Newport Bucket Regatta in Rhode Island on Saturday.
And, though we haven't receieved the official word from above yet, we're pretty sure you also won't be doing any of these things:
-Flashing back to the 70s with Stevie Nicks at the Pavilion on Monday
-Watching outdoor Kung Fu movies at Films at the Gate this weekend
-Attending the [free] Berklee Music Fest on George's Island (they've already shut down service to all the other harbor islands) on Saturday
-Eating sausages and getting drunk with old Italian men at St. Anthony's Feast in the North End this weekend
It's also a safe bet you won't be flying anywhere fun in an effort to escape Irene in all her buzz-killing glory. (Especially not on a JetBlue plane--they've already preemptively grounded over 800 flights.)
So batten down the hatches, stock up on water, dry goods, and plenty of hard booze. It's going to be a long one. Thanks for nothing, Irene. (Except, maybe, a day off work come Monday? Here's hoping for small favors.)