New species of Hipster discovered: Area experts confounded

Hipsters, man. There was a time when the Hipster was a fairly innocuous, sub-dwelling creature of the urban night. One would have to travel to the far reaches of Williamsburg, Brooklyn and certain parts of LA to locate one. If you did manage to discover a Hipster, it was often feral, and usually elusive, burrowing away in underground lairs such as vintage record stores and out-of-the way thrift stores. These days, all the average layman needs to snare a hipster is a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon or an employee discount to American Apparel. Needless to say, the North American hipster is no longer in peril of becoming an endangered species. Indeed, they are flourishing; and reproducing at an almost alarming rate. Some scientists worry that in the near future efforts towards preventative population control will have to be made, though drastic measures are not yet warranted.  

However, a small but dedicated naturalist division here at the Phoenix have discovered a new, rare breed of Hipster: the Spirit Hoods. These intriguing creatures can be spotted by their distinctive cutting edge fashion sense and a parentally bequeathed disposable income. An income spent on, along with other painfully ironic accessories, headpieces chosen to signify their chosen animal spirit. Experts speculate these Hipsters may have evolved from the curious "Twi-Hard" breed, who were first spotted wearing wolf ears at movie theaters on both coasts in homage to their pack, commonly known as Team Jacob.

At this time, not much is known about these Hipsters. They might be dangerous, and are almost certainly douchey, so it is advised to keep a safe distance. If you are to come across one in daylight hours, simply toss clove cigarettes at the creature. They can afford their own, but they prefer to bum them. It's much more authentic. Hipsters. Man.