The last of the mo' hegans: 20 really useless ways to classify vegans

Yesterday, the Globe bestowed upon us a truly special gift: "Men leave their own mark on veganism." Within hours of hitting, it zoomed right up into the #1 spot in the Globe's "Most Emailed" widget, and it's not hard to see why -- it introduces us to the concept of "hegans." You know, male vegans. (Yes, we could hear "Women Do" spluttering bemused outrage from 300 miles away.) It's the kind of stupid you just want to share with the whole wide world. In the Globe's words:

[S]ipping a yerba mate latte at the Sherman Cafe in Union Square, the buff and bright-eyed [Joe] McCain [could it be this Joe McCain?] is the new face of veganism: men in their 40s and 50s embracing a restrictive lifestyle to look better, rectify a gluttonous past, or cheat death. They are hegans. They are healthy. And they are here to stay. While no one was looking, guys were stepping up to the wheatgrass bar. Famous hegans include “Spider-Man’’ Tobey Maguire and singer Thom Yorke of Radiohead. Atlanta Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez was vegan for a few years but now eats seafood and chicken on occasion.

It only gets worse from there. When a paper of record attempts to thrust such idiotic trends ("Finally! Whistling is cool again") or unfortunate, cutesy new slang upon us (see also man caves and vajazzling), we get an urge to destroy it in case it starts to catch on. (If only we had any such power.) But "hegan" is a little different -- we just had way too much fun coming up with our own list of nonexistent vegan subcultures. So consider this our attempt to snuff the life out of "hegans" by enthusiastically smothering it death, a la Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Anyway, the list: 

1. tweegans: cloyingly adorable vegans

2. bourgeoisiegans: middle-class vegans

3. briegans: effete cheeze-eating vegans

4. absenteegans: vegans who aren't actually vegans

5. peegans: overhydrated vegans

6. Smeegans: sycophantic pirate-sidekick vegans

7. Gordon Freegans: dumpster-divers with crowbars

8. KGBgans: secretive and ruthless vegans

9. Gleegans: theater-nerd vegans

10. chablisgans: wine-snob vegans

11. Hi-Cgans: vegans who subsist solely on Ecto Cooler

12. Flowbeegans: vegans who cut their own hair

13. fleagans: vermin-infested vegans

14. amputeegans: vegans who can park their vegetable-oil cars in handicapped spots

15. potpourrigans: sweet-scented vegans

16. Rambo III-gans: ultraviolent vegans

17. My Country 'Tis of Theegans: red-blooded Amurrican vegans

18. associate degreegans: night-school vegans

19. Robert E. Leegans: vegans who believe the South will rise again

But perhaps most importantly of all:

20. rule-of-threegans: journalists incapable of writing anything other than bullshit trend pieces

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