Yesterday, the Globe bestowed upon us a truly special gift: "Men leave their own mark on veganism." Within hours of hitting boston.com, it zoomed right up into the #1 spot in the Globe's "Most Emailed" widget, and it's not hard to see why -- it introduces us to the concept of "hegans." You know, male vegans. (Yes, we could hear "Women Do"
spluttering bemused outrage from 300 miles away.) It's the kind of
stupid you just want to share with the whole wide world. In the Globe's words:[S]ipping
a yerba mate latte at the Sherman Cafe in Union Square, the buff and
bright-eyed [Joe] McCain [could it be this Joe McCain?] is the new face of veganism: men in their 40s
and 50s embracing a restrictive lifestyle to look better, rectify a
gluttonous past, or cheat death. They are hegans. They are healthy. And
they are here to stay. While no one was looking, guys were stepping up
to the wheatgrass bar. Famous hegans include “Spider-Man’’ Tobey
Maguire and singer Thom Yorke of Radiohead. Atlanta Falcons tight end
Tony Gonzalez was vegan for a few years but now eats seafood and
chicken on occasion.It only gets worse from there. When a paper of record attempts to thrust such idiotic trends ("Finally! Whistling is cool again") or unfortunate, cutesy new slang upon us (see also man caves and vajazzling),
we get an urge to destroy it in case it starts to catch on. (If only we
had any such power.) But "hegan" is a little different -- we just had
way too much fun coming up with our own list of nonexistent vegan subcultures.
So consider this our attempt to snuff the life out of "hegans" by
enthusiastically smothering it death, a la Lennie from Of Mice and Men.
Anyway, the list: 1. tweegans: cloyingly adorable vegans2. bourgeoisiegans: middle-class vegans3. briegans: effete cheeze-eating vegans4. absenteegans: vegans who aren't actually vegans5. peegans: overhydrated vegans6. Smeegans: sycophantic pirate-sidekick vegans7. Gordon Freegans: dumpster-divers with crowbars8. KGBgans: secretive and ruthless vegans9. Gleegans: theater-nerd vegans10. chablisgans: wine-snob vegans11. Hi-Cgans: vegans who subsist solely on Ecto Cooler12. Flowbeegans: vegans who cut their own hair13. fleagans: vermin-infested vegans14. amputeegans: vegans who can park their vegetable-oil cars in handicapped spots15. potpourrigans: sweet-scented vegans16. Rambo III-gans: ultraviolent vegans17. My Country 'Tis of Theegans: red-blooded Amurrican vegans18. associate degreegans: night-school vegans19. Robert E. Leegans: vegans who believe the South will rise againBut perhaps most importantly of all:20. rule-of-threegans: journalists incapable of writing anything other than bullshit trend pieces