Eight Characters I Spied at the Global Marijuana March on Faneuil Hall


Dr. Keith Saunders. As the president of the commonwealth’s official NORML chapter, Saunders was the voluntary sacrificial lamb at the rally this past Saturday. At 4:20pm, he took a small nugget and approached a police officer to provoke a $100 civil penalty, which, after much hilarity and stupidity ensued, he was finally given.


Confused Police Officers. The team of half-a-dozen cops and security guards who were dispatched to handle this situation were jovially inept. As if trying to prove that they were lazier and flakier than the pot activists, it took BPD officers nearly a half hour to compose a strategy, find a summons book, and write the ticket.


Super Hot Chick. She was a pothead beauty. Something like Amy Smart in Outside Providence. But she was surrounded by a herd of d-bags, one of whom, I presume, she will marry and have a litter with before finding out that he forcibly impaled two freshman during a lacrosse hazing ritual at Middlebury College.


Bob. Boston’s favorite walking “Jesus Saves” billboard - who can be found getting ignored outside virtually every concert and sporting event in town - Bob made one of his most ineffective appearances to date, as college students taunted him about the well-known fact that “Jesus smoked more weed than Jerry Garcia.”


Paranoid Camera Kid. In case one’s civil rights were violated, a lot of protesters on Saturday had camcorders. One guy, in particular, who was taping the event, was concerned enough to repeatedly alert revelers to his conspiracy that BPD paddy wagons were there to herd away potheads.


Shirtless Frat Guy. Close your eyes and imagine him. He’s about 5’10” with a 6’ chip on his shoulder. He’s wearing cargo shorts and flip-flops, is completely shitfaced at 4pm, has his t-shirt hanging off his belt, and is super tan (presumably from spending hours tossing the pigskin around with no top on). This particular Neanderthal’s trademark line: “I’m tired of the cops smoking my weed.”


Skate Shoes Nerd. Following along was one of those kids whose Vans are in better shape than Ben Stein’s sneakers. He’s never ridden a skateboard - and, ironically, is afraid of getting extremely stoned - but has a closet full of No Fear and Bob Marley gear at his mom’s house in Lexington. 


Mohawk Girl. Mohawk Girl is pretty much the same person as Dreadlock Bandana Chick, who was also there. The difference - not necessarily in the case of these young women, but in my personal experience - is that Mohawk Girl is less likely to jump in bed with the first guy who’s cool enough to get a $100 fine for smoking weed in public.

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