AskMen.com, the neanderthalic website dedicated to teaching its self-proclaimed 7 million readers all about how to be as ball-scratchingly manly as they can be, has published the "Top 10 Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat." Because, surely, the men who visit AskMen.com are epitomes of physical perfection, and don't reek of Funions and failure as I had previously suspected.
Ladies, I feel that you deserve a top ten list of your own.
THE TOP 10 SUBTLE WAYS TO TELL HIM HE'S GOT A TINY DICK
10. Point and laugh every time he takes his pants off.
9. Post a photo of it on reddit and let millions of other people tell him.
8. Replace his jock strap with a jill strap.
7. Ask him "is it in yet?" every time you do it. Then yawn and check your Blackberry.
6. Slip Magnum XLs into regular wrappers. Look at him knowingly when he wonders aloud why the baggy condom is hanging off his package like a wet dishtowel.
5. Buy the biggest, blackest dildo you can find, and refer to it as "pipe dream."
4. Keep a microscope on your nightstand.
3. Scream in pain every time you put a tampon in.
2. Stare longingly at bananas while licking your lips and sighing, "That is one lucky fruit bowl."
1. Give him an adorable nickname like "Teensykins," "Baby Carrot," or "Amoeba Jones"