The Case Against Cyber Monday

I’m begging sane people to avoid the term “Cyber Monday.” In fact, after finishing this blog post, I promise that I’ll never speak it again either. I only wish that television reporters would vow to do the same.

Every newscast that I checked this morning had a segment on this bogus holiday. CNN taught Cyber Monday preparation tips; FOX 25 News applauded folks for buying useless junk in this collapsing economy.

I’ve been thinking about shopping in the past few days since, on the morning after Thanksgiving with my family back in Queens, I woke up to screaming police sirens and low flying news choppers.

My aunt, uncle, and cousin live just blocks from the Green Acres Mall – a spot that was once locally infamous for moviegoers’ tendencies to fire at the screen, but that has now won national notoriety for its Wal-Mart customers’ trampling a store worker in their deadly quest for discount electronics.

It’s never settling to be so close to such hysterical ignorance. I know that New Yorkers are known for being rude and angry, but this was extreme. No doubt I’d be lambasting hicks and rednecks if this happened in the Midwest, so I’ll give it to my people here: You’re a bunch of damn Neanderthals.

For once I feel little need to extrapolate on a tragic situation; anyone who can’t figure on their own that it’s problematic when someone is senselessly murdered for material objects probably supports the Iraq war and doesn’t read The Phoenix anyway.

Still, with the dangers posed by stupid, selfish people physically shopping at stores, one might expect me to support Cyber Monday – which, the National Retail Association wants us to believe, is the day when we all log on and spend big.

But I don’t support this pseudo event, and, more so, I’m worried that it might start appearing on calendars. The term was forged by in 2005 and already it’s a staple in our annual fluff news cycle.

My apprehension might seem crazy, but I wish more people had opposed Hallmark’s forcible ushering of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day into our consciousness. The same goes for Secretary’s Day; at first we might have laughed, but now receptionists abound (just like those greedy moms and dads) expect cards and candy.

In the least, if we must have made up holidays, I would appreciate some fun ones. How about Internet Porn Thursday or Question 2sday? Cyber Monday is a lazily named, obnoxiously superficial rallying call, and it should be trimmed from the American lexicon before it goes the way of “Black Friday.”

It’s time to stand up for ourselves and rage against consumer culture. So unless you’re looking for sweet deals from North Face and Amazon, which you can find here, please join me in the boycott that I’ll be joining right after I buy this exceptionally priced Sony MP3 player.  

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