"We Are the Way to Happiness"

Apparently, the "way to happiness" isn't a Project Runway marathon or a really good, healthy relationship or a nice vacation or your dream job. It's Scientology, 'course! And Tommy Cruise is here to explain it all to you over the eerie strains of the Mission Impossible soundtrack. Gawker is currently hosting an exclusive Cruise Scientology Indoctrination video, and we urge you to go watch the entire thing. The ending is almost as good as the crazy meat-and-potatoes of the first 9 or so minutes. Also, if you're confused about some of the terms Cruise uses (SP, PTSP, etc.) head over to this Fresh Intelligence post over at Radar, where a helpful former-Scientologist gives us a little abbreviation lesson in the comments section. If you want to make yourself feel even scared-ier after watching the video, read Dana Goodyear's account of what it's like to eat a meal in the Scientology Celebrity Center. L. Ron Hubbard's minions are buying up Hollywood Blvd. faster than Harvard is signing the leases to every building in Lower Allston.

By the way, what the fug happened to Katie Holmes? She used to be witty. And now she doesn't even have the heart to move the stupid piece of hair that's stuck in her lipgloss during a Letterman interview. Dark times, these.

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