Let's talk shit about Lindsay Lohan, a/k/a L. Lo, a/k/a La Lohan, a/k/a Crazy Fucking Cokehead. Lindsay is always pulling off these wacky antics that provide me with a satisfying, knee-slapping chuckle. Out of everything I've come across this year, I lurved the Elle cover story on Miss Thang the most. Andrew Goldman, whoever you are...you ROOL.
Lately La Lo has been pissing me off/mesmerizing me even more than usual. She's not promoting anything new. So what's the deal with all the party heartying, absurd gestures of sympathy, and balls-out COKEHEADED LIES?
1. BoysIsn't it gross that she used to get her slam on with FEZ?! Isn't it grosser that she's probably doing the nasty right now with Jared Leto? He's all goth boy these days for that stupid "band"/circus act of his, 30 Seconds to Mars. And not hot goth like Depp in Edward Scissorhands. He's just so heinous now. I MOURN for Jordan Catalano. Seriously, I cried about it, like, yesterday, when I saw an absurdly horrible photo of J.L. on Stereogum.
"I did it!"
2. StyleAfter waffling from cracked-out blonde to black back to red and around and around and around, Bitch has gone and dyed her hair a yummy glossy brown, which looks fucking awesome and totally makes her pretty blue (when they aren't bloodshot and dilated from all the drugs) eyes pop. Not surprisingly, as a natural brunette with image problems of my own, I kinda hate her for that.
3. Blogging/SpellingJust before Turkey Day, Crazy Cokehead went ahead and released a grammatically-trashed statement meant to act as a tribute to director Robert Altman. Nice thought, Linds. Everyone's favorite part (me included) is her wha-bam closing suggestion to "BE ADEQUITE." Of course, her flak is understandably livid at the media's reaction. Instead of poking fun at Lindsay, she's suggesting that sorry ass writers and editors and gossip mongers just go and get a life. You're a real piece of work, Leslie Sloane Zelnick. More power to ya. What a kick!
4. LIESA few days after Thanksgiving, Psycho Lohan stumbled out of a party and uttered the following nut-bag words to the paps:"This is a video that Paris Hilton - and I'm saying this on tape - she hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friend's house and I didn't know she'd be there and she hit me; she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me and it hurts and it's not okay. And I'm sorry for everyone that thinks I'm crazy. I'm not; I'm just trying to act."
Then, this happened:
5. General Stupid DebaucheryToday, I was treated to this edition of Page Six with the screaming headline: BOOZED-UP LINDSAY IN TIRADE. Stupid C-word made a huge a-hole of herself at last night's GQ Man of the Year Awards. First, she flipped her shit at Jessica Biel's assistant. That earned the ire of Will Ferrell, who remarked, "Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?" That was way harsh, Will! And fucking funny. Then, Leo DiCaprio totally faced her when she tried to get the flirt on. Burn! So she had to settle for hooking up with Johnny Knoxville, only to get walked in on by her ex-boy Harry Morton. LOLZ to the max! Lohan was completely sober for the whole soirée, obvs. Cause it's not like she's been attending AA meetings or anything. What a night!
Oh, Lo Lo. What will you think of next?