We guess you know that you've officially made it when a 7-foot-tall
basketball legend serenades you at your own performance. It seems like
the plague of Bieber Fever that's been infecting everyone from little girls to middle-aged women with a nasty case of
sexually-ambiguous genital boils (just kidding, he's a virgin!) has just
claimed it's latest victim: Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq stood up and
declared his love for the tiny man-child through the only language he
understands--music. (Because you know he doesn't speak German.) "Justin
Bieber...yes I love yooouuu," Shaq sang in a rich baritone. Leave it to
the Bieber, man.
Well, thank god, the world won't have to suffer in silence while Lindsay Lohan
does hard time. Her wayward (and apparently totally bat-shit crazy, who
knew!) father Michael penned a ballad to his jailbird daughter. And
when compared to some of LiLo's own chart-topping hits, well...just have a listen.
So now, we no longer have to wonder where all that raw, unbridled
talent came from. The nut doesn't fall far from the fruit tree...or
something. Daddy Lohan seems to be channeling Bryan Adams...if Bryan
Adams had a daughter who dabbled in an abusive lesbian relationship, snorted chemicals up her
freckled schnoz and generally ruined what should have been a promising
career. "A Daddy's love will never die," he croons nasally. We can only
hope that his music career does. And fast.
And speaking of the Lohan brood, Dina Lohan
(known to most as the "Stage Mom From Hell" and the probable root of
all this messy evil...did anyone see the, mercifully brief, "Living Lohan"?) has had it up to here with the way her daughter's whole legal fiasco is being handled. For
one, Lindsay isn't even allowed to use her cell phone! How's a girl
supposed to keep tabs on her dealer while she's in jail? Dina laments
that LiLo is being treated like "a common criminal." Which, um, Mom, she is.
And while we're on the topic of things better left unwritten, let's talk about Kanye's return to social media. It's not like anybody missed him, but the ego-maniacal West re-instated his Twitter account earlier this week anyway.
So, of course, we were anxious to see just what pearls of wisdom and
self-aggrandizement the Man, the Legend, would have for the world. Just
this: rants and raves about the pains of home decor more suited to a
Beverly Hills housewife named FiFi. "I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!," he tweeted. "What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh." We feel you, K.