Speaking Franconaese

You've got to feel for Terry Francona.

He generally doesn't get his due, his jaws must be sore from chewing 72 pieces of gum during seven innings of a single ALCS game, and he's set to undergo back surgery in the off-season -- he's not sure exactly why -- because the 49-year-old skipper hasn't been able to feel his arms in four or five months.

So it's with symparthy and tongue planted firmly in cheek that we offer a sample of Chad Finn channeling Tito's closing remarks to individual Sox players for the season:

Mike Timlin: "Timmer, if there were a wing in the Hall of Fame for middle relievers and set-up men, you'd be a first-ballot lock. It's been one heckuva ride. But you made your big league debut in '91, the year after my run in The Show ended, and you know what that means? You're old, Timmer. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could take you deep right now, and I can't even feel my %*$** arms. It's time. Now if you don't mind, please put down the crossbow. You're frightening Millsy."

Alex Cora: "Yeah, I know -- Lowrie, Lowrie, Lowrie. Don't worry, AC. I won't allow Theo to let you go. You complete me." . . .

Julio Lugo: "Hey, Loogie! Good to see you, ol' buddy! Lookin' good. What brings you around here? Retirement going okay?" . . .

Jason Bay: "Baysie, what can we say? You made it easy to love the new guy. Steady defense, timely hitting, that aw-shucks manner -- in my experience, you Canadians are really, really good people -- and most important, a postseason performance that almost made me forget you-know-who in Los Ang . . . [Tito begins to twitch uncontrollably, takes a quick swig from a flask.] Anyway, job well-done, Baysie, though I gotta to be honest here: You could have batted .000 and I would have considered it a good deal just to get rid of the headache. I even think my hair is beginning to grow back."

Jon Lester: [Looks at him like a proud father, gives him a hug.]

Kevin Youkilis: "Youkie, you made the majors as a doughy, one-dimensional walk machine whose greatest claim to fame was having a restraining order against Billy Beane. And now, four years later, by sheer will and dedication, you've made yourself into a four-tool force, an irreplaceable member of this ball club. You've earned this, Youk, and I'm just so impressed by the player you've become. Just one piece of advice: Lose the brillo beard, will ya? You're terrifying the small children and some medium-sized ones, too. . . well, at least the ones who don't think you're Yukon Cornelius."

J.D. Drew: "You thought you had a back problem, David Jonathan? YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BACK PROBLEM?!?! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FEEL MY FOREARMS SINCE MAY!!!! I'M ADDICTED TO ADVIL WRAPPED IN DUBBLE-BUBBLE AND SKOAL!!! AND YET I WOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER GETTING AN EPIDURAL EVEN IF I WAS DROPPING QUINTUPLETS TOMORROW!!! [Takes a deep breath.] All right, son, I'll give you this: I may never figure you out, but you are usually one bloodless sucker in the clutch. Hey, Babe Ruth himself couldn't have hit Price in Game 7."