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Super 8 Is Enough: If J.J. Abrams ran Hollywood



J.J. Abrams made a lovely movie about coming of age in a small Ohio town, and stuck an alien invasion in the middle of it. Because everything's better with an alien invasion ... right? Well, these films sure would be. Here are a few Abrams-helmed movies we'd like to see.

1) Super 8 Mile [original]
Eminem plays a young factory worker who just wants to rhyme his way out of poverty. Meanwhile, the Air Force is quietly pursuing an alien fugitive through the burned-out buildings and trailer parks of Detroit. It's up to Eminem to face off with the creature in a climactic, interspecies rap battle. The plot twist here (spoilers!) is that Eminem is ALSO an alien. How else could a punk-ass white boy be such a slaughtering MC?

2) Super 8 ½ [original]
Famous Italian director Guido Anselmi struggles on his newest film, a masterpiece that's planned to be part autobiography and part science fiction. On the brink of a nervous breakdown, he reminisces and fantasizes about the people he loves -- until the actress he envisions saving his film is abducted by an ET on the rampage. Now Anselmi is in a battle to elude government agents, rescue the actress, and somehow finish his stalled opus.

3) Super 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag [original]
Made-man wise guy Tommy Spinelli (Joe Pesci) is carrying a duffel bag with eight heads in it, to prove he has conducted a hit. When his bag is switched at the airport, his human heads wind up in the hands of a special federal agent, while Tommy is stuck with eight alien heads from the 1947 Roswell crash-landing. Hijinks ensue before the two eventually meet to make an awkward, "say nothing to no one" exchange.

4) Super 8 MM [original]
Nicolas Cage is a detective delving into the bizarre world of extraterrestrial porn, after a wealthy widow discovers her late husband's home movies. Has she stumbled on footage from Area 51? Or just some very, very weird snuff films? It's up to Cage to find out. Features a bravura performance from Cage, rivalling his "bees" scene in Wicker Man.

5) Super 8 Below [original]
A team of sled dogs gets stranded in Antarctica, "the bottom of the world." As their loving owner (Paul Walker) races a team of NSA agents to find them, the pooches accidentally awaken something buried deep below the permafrost. By the time Walker tearfully reunites with the pack, they aren't alone ... something else has come back with them.

6) Super 8 Men Out [original]
It's 1919, and the Chicago White Sox are preparing to face down the Cincinnati Reds. Unbeknownst to fans, the government is paying the penniless Sox to throw the series, in order to distract the city from a UFO crash in Lake Michigan. Buck Weaver (John Cusack) and Shoeless Joe Jackson (D.B. Sweeney) discover the plot and have to battle umpires, aliens, and the mafia to bring their team back from the brink.

7) Super 8 Seconds [original]
These aliens picked the wrong guys to mess with. When xenomorphs invade the 1989 Cheyenne Frontier Days Rodeo arena where infamous bull rider Lane Frost is riding, things get ugly. The bull, terrified by the aliens blasting the roof off, rears up and kills Lane Frost. This spurs a massive redneck militia to unite under the banner of "Don't Tread On Me" and avenge the loss of their heroic rider. Never once did we ever expect to be relieved at the sight of heavily armed hillbillies, but one can't help but cheer as the teabaggers kick the crap out of extraterrestrials from sea to shining sea.

8) Jon & Kate Plus Super 8 [original]
In their first full-length feature, Kate Gosselin takes her brood to the park, but Aaden has a cold, and crisis erupts when Hannah Joy and Alexis Faith can't learn to share. Meanwhile, bitterness is growing between Jon and Kate, who spend most of the runtime insulting each other. The older twins have to get to violin lessons, but traffic is backed up from an alien invasion downtown. Kate manages to drop the twins off, pick up cold medicine for Aaden, and counsel the alien about infertility treatments before arriving home exhausted. Just another day with sextuplets!

--by Nate Homan and Katie Lannan  

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