Grizzly Adams wants to know the connection between the elves and the NazisEven though you've probably already gorged on our dozen-course Christmas horror buffet ("The Twelve Frights of Christmas") from last week, we hope you saved room for Elves.
A glorious grade-Z fruitcake made from the most unsavory movie tropes
imaginable, this 1989 film smooshes together incest, Nazis, and Santa's
little helpers.The gist: In WWII, the Nazis performed genetic experiments on
elves, such that each elf harbored "the haploid gene structure
needed to produce the master race" if they mate with blonde, blue-eyed
virgins. Almost 50 years later, when such an Aryan beauty accidentally awakens one of
these tiny Third Reich terrors, a bunch of old Nazis (including the
young fräulein's grampa) trap the girl in a mall with the rampaging elf
in the hopes it will, um, take her on a trip to the North Pole. But
they didn't reckon on a Rent-a-Santa (played by none other than Dan
"Grizzly Adams" Haggerty) to show up and ruin their plans.
If you can't get your hands on a copy of this one, at least read the BadMovie.org post-mortem, where they've so generously provided the movie's greatest money shot: Santa getting crotch-stabbed to death by a bloodthirsty Nazi elf. Oh, you're welcome.
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